Perimenopause™ - the cure for surviving midlife mayhem

Do you suffer from hot flashes, mood swings, and the urge to throat-punch strangers for breathing wrong? You may be experiencing Perimenopause™—the cure for surviving midlife mayhem. Ask your doctor if being a woman in your forties is right for you.

Side effects may include sudden hot flashes that turn your office into a Bikram yoga class, night sweats that make you question whether you actually drowned in your sleep, mood swings ranging from weeping at dog food commercials to plotting a homicide because someone chewed too loudly, brain fog so thick you’ll forget what you’re forgetting while you’re forgetting it, weight gain especially in the “muffin-top” region, where no muffin has ever deserved to live, knees that sound like microwave popcorn, chin hairs sharp enough to pick locks, digestive issues that play roulette with every snack choice, insomnia that wakes you at 2 a.m. to ponder mortality and your Amazon cart, hormonal rage triggered by your teen’s breathing, uncontrollable laughter followed immediately by crippling despair, an emotional attachment to your cooling fan, the inability to consume Taco Bell without filing a disaster recovery plan, spending half your paycheck on serums that smell like cucumbers and lies, discovering trampolines are now classified as weapons of mass destruction, and sighing so loudly your family thinks you’ve taken up medieval haunting. Rare but serious side effects include invisibility in public unless you’re in someone’s way, answering questions with just your eyebrows, and an alarming tolerance for wine, caffeine, and retail therapy. There is no known cure—only stretchy pants, sisterhood, and the sweet relief of not giving a single damn anymore.

Perimenopause: because one puberty just wasn’t enough.

Ask your doctor if surviving midlife mayhem is right for you.

Spoiler: you don’t have a choice.