When Your Inner Zen Master Calls in Sick

When I first returned from treatment, I pictured myself as this blissed-out, yoga-loving, green-juice-drinking goddess who responds to everything with, "Thank you for this growth opportunity."

Instead? I yell at my phone when it dares to suggest “mindful breathing.” I get irrationally furious at drivers who brake for no reason (yes, Abuelita, I mean you).

Let’s be clear: rage is normal. Especially when you’re dealing with a body that feels like it’s been taken over by a hormonal gremlin. Rage is basically your brain’s very dramatic way of saying, "Wow, I feel out of control right now, and I have no idea how to process this, so I’m going to scream at the air fryer."

So, how do we handle it without setting our lives on fire?

1. Hit Pause Before Detonation

When you feel the rage bubbling up, do literally anything to create a pause: count to ten, walk to another room, chug water. Anything to interrupt the automatic impulse to yell, throw, or launch into a three-hour monologue about how no one ever listens to you.

2. Move the Energy Somewhere Else

Rage is energy, and it needs a place to go. Scream into a pillow, take the dogs for a walk, dance like nobody’s watching, or throw ice cubes into the sink (weirdly satisfying).

3. Journal or Voice Note Your Rant

Sometimes you just need to get it all out. Write it down with no filter or record yourself ranting. You might be shocked at what surfaces, and you won’t accidentally traumatize your loved ones in the process.

4. Find Your "Safe Person"

Have a friend, therapist, or fellow survivor you can text something like, "On the verge of a MBD. My kid lost her house keys! Again!" Just being witnessed in your rage can help dissipate it.

5. Remember: Rage ≠ Regression

Just because you’re raging doesn’t mean you’ve “failed” at recovery. It doesn’t erase your progress. It doesn’t mean you’re broken forever. It means you’re human, in mid-process, and hormones and healing are messy dance partners.

I truly want to be the model of peaceful self-regulation for my teens. I want to teach them emotional maturity, healthy communication, and how to take a deep breath instead of throwing a remote at the wall.

But then menopause shows up like an unhinged raccoon at a garden party.

My teenagers stand there, slack-jawed, holding their emotional support hoodies, wondering if they should back away slowly or start recording for posterity.

Meanwhile, my inner healing monologue is chanting:

"Pause, breathe, respond, don’t react."

"Model emotional regulation."

"You are the calm in the storm."

Meanwhile, my hormones are screaming:

"BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND!"

I try to remember what I’ve learned in therapy. I attempt the deep belly breathing, the self soothing techniques. But by then, I’m sweating like a hot dog at a Fourth of July cookout and my hair is sticking to my neck like a fur blanket.

The worst part? My teens can smell inauthenticity like bloodhounds.

They know when I’m about to blow and they respond accordingly:

One disappears into her room and locks the door.

The other offers me her last piece of chocolate as a peace offering, while whispering, "Don’t cry, Mama. It’s okay."

In these moments, I realize the biggest gift I can give them isn’t a flawless display of Zen perfection. It’s showing them that it’s okay to be messy. That sometimes, healing looks like taking a break in the bathroom before apologizing and ordering pizza because dinner is now in the trash.

We may not always be the calm lighthouse. Some days, we’re the entire storm. And sometimes we can become completely unhinged, fail spectacularly, breathe deeply, and apologize profusely with a sweaty hug.

That’s motherhood in menopause.