Menopause Insomnia: Netflix, Overthinking, and Other 3AM Hobbies

Lately, my bedtime routine looks like this:

Get in bed at a “reasonable hour” (meaning before midnight).

Close eyes, take a deep breath, tell myself "Tonight I’m going to sleep like a normal person."

Open eyes two minutes later and think: "Did I lock the front door? Am I a good mother? Do penguins have knees?"

Thus begins the Menopause Midnight Madness Hour.

At 2 a.m., I’m wide awake, ready to start a new hobby or rethink my entire life’s purpose. Meanwhile, my hormones are hosting a hot flash disco party, and the sheets are soaking wet (and not in a fun romance-novel way).

I stumble to the kitchen for cold water, pass the mirror, and start an impromptu existential spiral:

"Is that what I look like? When did my neck become a turkey wattle? What is life?"

Back to bed. I try meditation. My mind, of course, interrupts: "Remember that tomorrow is Sunday. You need to;

• Call A

• Prep B

• Write C

• See X

• Drive Y

• Cook Z

Now, let’s replay that 14 times."

Eventually, I surrender and grab my phone to make a list and end up getting sucked into an endless doomscrolling loop. And just as my eyes begin to shut, the roosters start crowing, and my alarm is moments away from mocking me.

Then there’s the final kicker: after tossing and turning all night, one of my girls will inevitably say, "Ma. You look tired today. You should try to get more sleep."

Oh, really? Thanks, sweetie. Never thought of that!

Still, I remain hopeful that I will one day sleep again. Until then, we should at least get points on our loyalty cards for the number of hours we’ve been awake.