Apparently We All Get a Different Version of This Disaster

By 2030, about 1.2 billion women worldwide will be either menopausal or postmenopausal - yep, that’s billion with a “B.” Add another 47 million women joining the club each year, and it’s basically the fastest-growing sorority nobody ever asked to pledge.

Menopause usually sneaks in somewhere between ages 45 and 52, and it’s less of a graceful transition and more of a hormonal mutiny. Technically, it’s all about hormones packing up their bags and your period retiring for good. But here’s the kicker: no two transitions are the same.

More than 85% of us will get the “deluxe” symptom package. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, mood swings, sex that feels more like a chore than a hobby, brain fog, random weight gain - basically a highlight reel of body betrayals.

The biggest culprit? Vasomotor symptoms (a fancy way of saying “your internal thermostat is broken”). Hot flashes and night sweats hit more than 80% of women, and they’re the #1 reason people go running to their doctor, fan in hand. And while some are lucky enough to be done in 5-7 years, others keep playing the long game - 15 years or more of surprise saunas.

And it’s not just sweat. VMS comes with insomnia, mood swings, brain fog, and the general feeling that your body has switched operating systems without telling you. Translation: quality of life? Torched.

Let’s talk about perimenopause. Not the cute little bullet points you find on pamphlets at your doctor’s office (“Mild mood swings! Occasional hot flashes!”), but the real deal. The completely unpredictable, wildly unfair, body-hijacking mess that affects every woman completely differently and with zero warning.

For some women, it’s a light breeze. A missed period here, a little sweat there, and BOOM!, they glide into menopause like a swan sipping herbal tea.

For others? It’s like being drop-kicked into a hormonal mosh pit wearing Spanx and a wool turtleneck.

And the kicker? No one tells you which version you’re going to get. There's no quiz, no warning label, no “Choose Your Own Adventure” guide to determine if you’ll simply get a little irritable or if you'll wake up wanting to scream at your own houseplants.

Let’s break it down:

The Temperature Situation

Some women get a bit warm. Others melt through their office chair mid-Zoom call while frantically fanning themselves with Post-it notes and questioning their will to live.

The Mood Swings

Some women feel “a little off.” Others spiral into full existential dread because someone put the almond butter on the wrong shelf. You might laugh hysterically at an inner dialogue, then threaten to burn down the grocery store, all before lunch.

The Brain Fog

For a lucky few, perimenopause barely touches their memory. For the rest of us, it’s like living in a sitcom where you walk into rooms, forget your kids’ names, and call the dishwasher “Steve” because that’s all your brain can come up with.

The Physical Changes

Some women notice a little bloating. Others feel like their body has become a squishy, misunderstood science experiment - complete with insomnia, joint pain, random weight gain, and a brand-new mustache.

The Wildcard Symptoms

Anxiety? Yes. Hair loss? Sure. Random crying during a commercial? Why not. Your experience may vary, and it WILL.

The worst part? Because perimenopause doesn’t come with a neon sign, many women don’t even realize what’s happening. They think they’re losing it, being dramatic, or suddenly developing six new unrelated medical conditions. Meanwhile, it’s just their hormones doing a surprise reboot.

So if you're wondering why you feel unhinged, exhausted, puffy, sweaty, anxious, moody, or mildly possessed, just know, you are not broken. You are just perimenopausal.

And no, you’re not crazy. You’re just hormonal... in a very personal, unpredictable, totally nonsensical way.

Because perimenopause doesn’t come in one flavor. It’s a whole damn Baskin-Robbins of symptoms, and unfortunately, you don’t get to choose your scoop.

But on the bright side, you do get to join a sisterhood of over 1 billion menopausal women worldwide, and counting - so, basically the largest flash mob in history, only with less choreography and way more sweating. Step right up!